PORN PREVENTION & RECOVERY RESOURCES (updated August 2017)

So what's so bad about porn?

It's an ADDICTION. DO NOT GET STARTED WITH PORN. You are not stronger than porn. You can't just dabble. It's NOT mind over matter. We are not wired that way.

DO NOT GET STARTED WITH PORN. You will not be able to stop. You will need bigger and bigger thrills. It will take up all your time and attention. You will lose interest in everything else.

PORN IS MORE ADDICTIVE THAN CRACK COCAINE because the body gets addicted to its own chemicals.

DO NOT GET STARTED WITH PORN.


Persons--who are the sacred image of God--can never be used.

Even if they want to be.

This includes the porn-user who uses their own body as they use porn. (So even if the IMAGES are CGI, the porn user is using their own body.)

The opposite of love is not hate. It is use: using persons as things, as means to an end. Using persons is against human dignity.

The body is for total, committed, real, true love and relationship.

Porn, plain and simple, is an addiction that destroys true love, and/or makes it impossible. Divorce lawyers are citing it as one of the major factors in more and more break-ups.

Porn also destroys real sex (does not "add spice") because the porn user conditions themselves to respond to images, not real persons. (Addictions never enhance anything anyway, they only detract, distract, damage and destroy.)

Sex (of whatever kind) outside of the marriage relationship is ADDICTIVE (bigger and bigger thrills are needed). Sex within the marriage relationship is BONDING, person to person (and satisfying because sex is about much more than only pleasure within the marriage bond. The human person has the capacity for Infinity within themselves, and male/female committed to each other in true love and true sex, can experience something of the Infinite).

Just like any other addiction, you will never be "cured." You will be in "recovery" for the rest of your life and have to be very careful about all your media use, memory, imagination, what you do with your eyes on a minute-to-minute basis. 

DO NOT GET STARTED WITH PORN. No one PLANS on getting addicted. Porn addicts say: "If only I had KNOWN this was an addiction, I would never have gotten started." Well, now you know. 

Remember, the two hallmarks of addicts are 1) DENIAL  2) DON'T TOUCH MY ADDICTION.

FIRST STEPS FOR PREVENTION: 
--Theology of the Body www.tinyurl.com/bestTOBresources

--www.PornKillsLove.com, www.FightTheNewDrug.com (hipster sites)

--www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com (free, anonymous online counseling based on the latest brain science, sponsored by the Diocese of Green Bay, WI--based on the secular www.candeobehaviorchange.com website) Lots of information on this site to get started.

--www.IntegrityRestored.com

--ThePornEffect.com (Matt Fradd) Tweet: #freebattleplan for a free e-book! 

--Tabor Life Institute http://www.taborlife.org/ Trains men how to "see" women properly. Teaches everyone how to "see" the human body properly. (Fr. Thomas Loya's institute) 

--"The Interior Gaze: A Remedy for 'Pornovision' and Lust" DVD (Fr. Thomas Loya) http://www.theologyofthebody.net/

FIRST STEPS FOR THE ADDICTED: 
--http://ReclaimSexualHealth.com/ (Catholic, based on the latest science and secular site: http://www.CandeoBehaviorChange.com )

--Sexaholics Anonymous www.sa.org (or a Catholic therapist). SA is also for porn addictions. They use 12 steps and words like "sober."

--Anonymous online-help to retrain the porn-user to use internet well: http://www.CandeoBehaviorChange.com/

GROUPS FOR MEN TO JOIN TO BE ACCOUNTABLE, FIGHT PORN, HELP OTHER MEN:
--www.thekingsmen.us (Catholic)

--www.dads.org (Catholic) 

--www.PornMilitia.blogspot.com  P.erpetually O.ffering R.osaries N.ightly    Twitter: @pornmilitia 

WOMEN USING PORN IS ON THE RISE:
--Vid of young woman explaining how she got started: http://www.pornfreedomnow.com/2012/07/why-young-women-are-now-being-drawn-to.html

--"What I Wish I Knew Before I Started Using Porn" http://huff.to/MAtW0d (from a woman who works in Hollywood)

--Audrey Assad's journey from porn use to freedom: (AUDIO) http://www.theporneffect.com/blog/posts/audrey-assad-s-amazing-talk-for-women-on-porn-addiction

--My review of "Magic Mike": http://hellburns.blogspot.com/2012/07/movies-magic-mike.html#.UEpgELJlQes

USING ADULT PORN CAN LEAD TO VIEWING CHILD PORN (EVEN FOR NON-PEDOPHILES):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VOr8cbGdx4&list=PL5148AAD9AD668621&index=7&feature=plpp_video

CHILDREN ARE NEWEST CATEGORY OF ADDICTS:
--http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2131799/Children-grow-addicted-online-porn-sites-Third-10-year-olds-seen-explicit-images.html

--Kid shares how he overcame porn use: https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/12-year-old-shares-how-he-got-addicted-to-porn-at-9-and-how-he-got-over-it

--Great porn-fighting tips e-newsletter for parents/grandparents www.protectyoungminds.org

BOOK TO HELP PORN-PROOF KIDS:
--Book to read with kids: "Good Pictures, Bad Pictures" https://www.amazon.ca/Good-Pictures-Bad-Porn-Proofing-Todays/dp/0615927335

C-Close my eyes immediately
A-Always tell a trusted adult
N-Name it when I see it

D-Distract myself
O-Order my thinking brain to be the boss! (the boss of my feeling brain)

THE HORRIBLE EFFECTS OF PORN ON CHILDREN:

--http://www.netnanny.com/learn_center/article/144

--http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2192756/ChildLine-Number-children-ringing-helpline-seeing-hardcore-images-internet-soars-50-month.html

--"Escape From Hell": Gay porn star/Satanist's conversion (started with porn at age 8): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuDG2k6uAZs

PORN FILTERS: 
--You need a company that installs it from cyberspace, not you, so no one in your family can change it. Geeks must install custom-made filters for each other because they can easily hack these filters. (I was told this by a geek.)

--www.software4parents.com (collection of ALL different types of safe software for families to choose from) 

--www.besafeonline.com 

--www.covenanteyes.com

--www.xxxchurch.com (This is a very funky, youth-oriented, activist website.) The company emails questionable sites you've surfed (on a particular computer) to an accountable buddy (or girlfriend or spouse) (Christian) 

--www.safeeyes.com (for Mac or PC) 

--www.bsecure.com 

--www.netnanny.com

SEXTING:
http://www.commonsensemedia.org/talking-about-sexting GREAT VIDEO ON WEBSITE

http://www.kysafeschools.org/sexting.html

In-depth NYTimes article about youth and SEXTING. Cases, laws, repercussions - 

http://nyti.ms/fYFS7C

DVDs: 
--"Somebody's Daughter"--2008, testimonies of men in recovery (Christians). Doesn't give much advice or any resources, but is a portrait of porn addiction from the inside out. Includes a pastor and a couple. Very moving. Since they're not Catholic, they don't have the full, beautiful vision of sexuality and Theology of the Body, but it's still a must see. Includes two powerful music videos and some dramatizations. DVD jacket includes the "25 Lies of Pornography" http://www.somebodysdaughter.org/ 

--"The Interior Gaze--A Remedy for Pornovision and Lust"--Byzantine Catholic priest and artist, Fr. Thomas Loya, demonstrates through design and art how to "see" the beauty of the human body as God intended. http://www.theologyofthebody.net/ 

--"Out of the Darkness" 4 in-depth interviews with a former porn star, a former porn addict, a psychologist and an Alfred Kinsey expert. Excellent! (2011) www.anteroompictures.com

--"Face the Darkness, Illuminate the Night," brand new, comprehensive DVD series on porn. Includes interviews with Christopher West. http://www.theologyofthebody.net/ (Not completed yet!)

--"Fireproof"--drama about a fireman whose marriage is on the rocks, partly because of his internet porn use. 

--DVDs for teens: "The Pure Life" by Jason and Crystalina Evert. This series aired on EWTN. NOT hokey, totally fast-paced, in-your-face, relevant, comprehensive. Teen panel. Covers porn, dating, dress, what teens really want, Theology of the Body, media, etc., etc. EXCELLENT! (Also, just check YouTube channel: "jasonevert"


CDs: 
--"Detox" Jason Evert https://www.lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/detox

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPxlDPQYSag (Jason Evert on porn)

--"The Pornography Plague and the Path to Christian Purity," Jeff Cavins http://www.ascensionpress.com/ (Catholic) 

--"Cybersex and the Priesthood--Sex, Shame, Addiction," Fr. Stephen Rossetti, PhD, D. Min. http://www.albahouse.org/ (Catholic)

--"Winning the Battle for Sexual Purity," (talk to men) Christopher West (also on DVD). http://www.christopherwest.com/ (Catholic)

BOOKS:

The best, most complete book on porn you'll every read. Busts 24 myths about porn.
Loaded with a bazillion stats and studies.

This book is a must-read for every human being on the planet. The beauty of it is that it doesn't start with or dwell on porn, even. It backs it up to the most basic level of eyes/mind. Written by Evangelical men who struggled with purity issues of all kinds, it's the most practical, down-to-earth, detailed step-by-step battle plan for victory. Chockful of stories and examples.
Women who don't believe that men are actually biologically wired visually and wired differently sexually desperately need to read this book. Women who don't understand how male sexuality works need to read this book.
Women and wives also have their say in this book. Men never blame women in this book. You must read the book to the END to get the full vision of men and women together. The last section (right before the workbook at the end for use in men's groups) is one of the most beautiful descriptions of what marriage is supposed to be (from a man's perspective: the duties of husbands towards wives). This is Theology of the Body at its most helpful.

--"Delivered"--stories of men and women who overcame porn, by Matt Fradd http://mattfradddelivered.com/

--"Cleansed"--life after porn by Texas A&M University campus minister, Marcel LeJeune

--"Drug of the New Millennium--The Brain Science Behind Internet Pornography Use" by Mark Kastleman

--"I Surrender All--Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography"--Christian singer, Clay Crosse, and his wife Renee's story 

--"The Courage to Be Chaste," by Fr. Groeschel, CFR. A modern classic. Lots of practical tips. 

--"Clean of Heart, Overcoming Habitual Sins Against Purity," by Rosemarie Scott (Forward by Fr. John Harvey, OSFS, founder of Courage) 

--"True Knights: Christian Husbands, Father and Sons," by Kenneth Henderson and Jesse Romero 

--"Porn Nation," sad but true story of how one man had it all and lost it all through internet porn when the internet was brand new. (Author has been on "Oprah," and debates against pro-porn advocates on college campuses.) Scary predictions for future.

--"The Hook and I" by David Cannan. Catholic 12 Steps for porn (a friend of mine in recovery swears by this book)

THERAPISTS/COUNSELORS:
--http://www.maritalhealing.com/ (Catholic) http://www.zenit.org/article-29697?l=english What To Do About Porn--Part I" article from Zenit.org and MaritalHealing.com on step-by-step what to do about porn if husband addicted. Also some current stats. 2010) 

--Dr. Philip Mango (NYC) st_michael@verizon.net Dr. Phil Mango is a licensed Catholic psychotherapist from New York, director of St. Michael's Institute for the Psychological Sciences; founder of Warrior Brothers- focused on leadership and manhood development for service to family, Church and society; and visiting professor at the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family. For more than 12 years, he served as mental health consultant for Mother Teresa's work with the poor. Dr. Mango combines John Paul II's theology of the body with psychology to effectively minister to men and women seeking to overcoming sexual and pornographic addictions and develop healthy relationships with the opposite sex. He has extensive experience treating PTSD with the most effective treatment known, EMDR- Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Areas of Expertise: PTSD, post-abortive, marital healing, masculine spirituality, psychology of the sexes, founder of www.warriorbrothers.org. Available to speak at your parish or event.

--Fr. Thomas Loya (Chicago) http://www.taborlife.org/

--SOAR0136@aol.com "Seeing One Another Rightly"--This group uses Sexaholics Anonymous 12 Step Principles combined with Theology of the Body. Blog: www.SeeingOneAnotherRightly.wordpress.com

WEBSITES:

--www.pornharms.com All the facts and stats.

--www.ReclaimSexualHealth.com Free and confidential help for all sexual addictions (help for family members, those in ministry, etc.). Sponsored by Diocese of Green Bay, WI and based on the latest brain science from www.CandeoBehaviorChange.com 

--www.FightTheNewDrug.com  Young adult website. Swag and merch available.

--www.ThePornEffect.com

--www.freedomfrompornnow.com Lots of helpful, short, shareable articles and vids!

--http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/ 

- -www.diocese-kcsj.org/myhousekcsj 

--www.demandyourdignity.com ("Don't Believe the Lies" video by guys in a LifeTeen group in Rhode Island. Very moving!)

INTERNET PRAYER

Dear God, I ask Your help divine

whenever I must go online.

I tell myself that I love "art,"

their sculpted forms, my heavy heart.

As I get lost in cyberspace

and go from face to nameless face,

behind each image, there's a life,

there's someone's husband, someone's wife.

Perhaps a son or daughter, too,

God, if their families only knew

As I'm drawn in to search the net,

it's all too easy to forget

the way my actions take their toll--

they slowly work to kill my soul.

Its essence surely must erode

with every image I download.

Please rescue me from what I do.

Please help me want to stop it, too.

Obsession lifted, I'll stand free,

surrendering my will to Thee.

--written by a Catholic woman in recovery from the S/m lifestyle

PLEASE ALSO SEE "COMMENTS" ON THIS POST FOR MORE RESOURCES.

THEOLOGY OF THE BODY: FOR TEENS PART 2

THEOLOGY OF THE BODY – MARCH 12, 2010 – PATRICK REIDY FILLING IN FOR FR. LOYA
"THEOLOGY OF THE BODY FOR TEENS"
Pat teaches moral theology & TOB at Northridge Prep (all boys Catholic Opus Dei high school).

[Sr. Helena's dreck in brackets.]

How do good Catholic teens answer why it's wrong to have sex before marriage (before they learn TOB)? (Pat makes it real: "What do you tell your buddy at a party when he's ready to go upstairs with his girlfriend?") The students usually say: "It a mortal sin." (And after a little theology/philosophy: "It's INTRINSICALLY evil." They love that.) Then Pat says: do you really think that will stop your friend?

HERE'S A STUDENT'S ANSWER "AFTER" THEOLOGY OF THE BODY:

SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE? (ONE STUDENT'S "WHY NOT")
1. It's always using someone.
2. You're not giving a total gift and the language of the body (sex) says: "forever."
3. It's adultery in advance. (You are being unfaithful to your future wife/husband.)
4. It's re-gifting yourself.
5. We're supposed to be mirroring the "forever" love of the Trinity in our one flesh union, but in pre-marital sex we're sending a message of defiance to God. How does that feel?

It can be a lot of FUN with teens, actually, when you do apologetics with them and let them come up with their own ways of explaining TOB to their peers.

Youth need STRUCTURE. So even if you can digest JP2G's TOB, you need to break it down for teens into easily memorizable soundbites (that they can feel confident using with others).

We need to convince teens that the Catholic Church has something they are missing and need.

We don't challenge teens enough. We really lower the bar. They want the "ethos"—we need to show them the big picture (in a way their not-fully formed brains can handle).

MOVIE: "PATRIOT"—SCENE OF MEL GIBSON'S CHARACTER'S YOUNG SONGS SHOOTING BRITISH OFFICERS IN ORDER TO FREE THEIR OLDER BROTHER

What enabled those young boys to do what they did?
--training, instruction: REPETITIVE SLOGAN THEY COULD SAY TO THEMSELVES IN THE MIDST OF BATTLE:
"aim small, miss small"
--love for their brother
--confidence in their father

We're in a cultural war, a spiritual battle. "Steady…" You can do this…

ETHOS:

E—EXPERTS: we have to consider ourselves experts and make ourselves experts in this area (TOB). When adults get into TOB, they realize their own woundedness, and that's good! We can grow, too! We have DA COACH: VJP2G
T—TREAT them as LEADERS. Let teens know that we believe in them and want them to advance and be even better than us! Isn't that what good parents, do? Let them know that their friends/peers need them. Teens need to hear adults say: "I believe in you."
H—HANDLE HOT BUTTON ISSUES. Go there. We are not shadowboxing. In "Patriot," Mel Gibson's kids knew what they were doing. HEAR THEM OUT. Young people have a lot to say.
O-- ORIENT THEM TO CHRIST AND THE CHURCH. They HAVE to see the relevance of the Christ and the Church. Where can they go for answers in this crazy, mixed-up world? God came to re-integrate the spiritual and physical.
S—SHOWTIME: Using movies for TOB: the world is NOT that far off in the sense that we are all desiring the same good things…. Show teens how they can find TOB in the pop culture! Let THEM be creative.

Men are called to be warriors, defenders, lovers (not players), priest-father. (4 archetypes: men are more simple)

4 Original Archetypes of Man:

1. King
   



2. Warrior
   



3. Lover
   



4. Priest-Father
   
   
   

Women are:
(12 original mysteries of women: women are more complex)

1. God's Masterpiece
   



2. Model of the Human Race
   



3. Garden Enclosed
   



4. Fountain Sealed
   



5. Master of her own mystery
   



6. Genius (in her receptivity)
   



7. Creator of Culture
   



8. The First Evangelist
   



9. Icon of the Church
   



10. Icon of Heaven
    



11. Daughter, Sister, Bride, Mother
    



12. Sum total of all beauty
    

In short, the one who is loved.

Where you have a contraceptive mentality (more about women) you have a pornographic mentality (more about men).

PORN gives you a template to see all of the world:

Porn D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-S:

D- Acts lie a DRUG

E- Escalatory

S- Stealth/ Sneaks up on you

T- creates a new TEMPLATE

R- Replaces Reality

O- One-sided

Y- Stikes YOUTH

S- Seductive

TOP 3 QUESTIONS TEENS ASK ABOUT SEX:

1. How far is too far? (You start by telling them the question itself is wrong, but then you can get more explicit with them.) Teens are black and white, they really want to know, BUT we have to start leading them toward the ethos and not asking: "How close can I get to sin?"
   
2. Is oral sex sex? Is it wrong? (also "grinding"—dancing while rubbing body parts together, sometimes in a group) It's not sexual intercourse, [but it's mutual masturbation, it's sexual activity], so we as Americans like to compartmentalize. We live on the BELL CURVE. All of life is rhythm: agriculture, a novel /film(rising action, climax, denouement, etc.), the liturgical cycle. Sex is a "movement," a symphony, so you are doing "foreplay." You are pulling it out of its context, like going to the Tabernacle and just helping yourself to the Eucharist because you don't want to go to Mass. Don't we ask the same question about Mass? At what point am I technically late for Mass? (Pat doesn't tell them "it's sex," he just keeps talking about the context.)
   
3. What about homosexuality?

VIRGINITY needs to be looked at through new eyes! It's sexual integrity. Integration of body and soul. What is sexual integrity? You have the capacity to give yourself totally to another (when the time comes). ["I adjure you, do not stir up love before its time." –Song of Songs 3:5 (the most erotic book of the Bible telling us to wait!)]

4 promises of marriage vows: total, faithful, fruitful, free

No longer a virgin? God can RE-CAPACITATE you to have the CAPACITY to make a total gift of yourself! ["See, I make all things new!" Revelation 21:5]

Teens are BOMBARDED with the SECULAR ethos constantly so we have to REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT, DRILL, DRILL, DRILL.

Married couples don't "LOSE" their virginity (sexual integrity), they share it with each other.

Q: What does Pat tell teens about masturbation? (Once you give the TOB ethos/principles, tens can apply it themselves! One teen answered: "It's half flesh union." Instead of the "one flesh" union.)

Teens love: LANGUAGE OF THE BODY, THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE ISN'T HATE IT'S USE, GIFT OF SELF, TABERNACLE (guys love the concept that a woman's body is a living tabernacle—no man is really ever worthy to consecrate the Host OR to approach a woman). A man even genuflects when he proposes!

Give them assignments: Girls, dress like tabernacles! Guys, when you see a woman think: "Tabernacle"! [Not "hot." Dave Den Braber, former free agent with the Dallas Cowboys, now a Catholic youth speaker tells guys to stop using that term because it's a porn term.]

There are very few "stories": boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy fights for girl, boy gets girl. It's like the Mass, the Jesus story.

SCENE FROM "GROUNDHOG DAY" WHERE BILL MURRAY'S CHARACTER IS TRYING TO SEDUCE THE GIRL HE LIKES. HE LEARNS ALL ABOUT HER SUPERFICIALLY AND SAYS THAT HE "KNOWS" HER. BUT SHE DOESN'T BUY IT.

Pat assigns his seniors to write "TOB personals"!! Our teens are capable of A LOT!!

HERE IS ONE OF THE PERSONALS FROM HIS STUDENTS:

"CATHOLIC, VIRGINAL MAN LOOKING FOR TOB-LOVING WOMAN! INTERESTED?

--LOOKING TO MEET GOD'S MASTERPIECE
--RESPECTFUL OF WOMAN'S DIGNITY—THE "ONE TO BE LOVED"
--HANDSOME AND PRO-FEMININE GENIUS
--DESIRING TO LOVE FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS"

[PAT NEEDS TO WRITE A BOOK!!!]

PAT'S TOB FOR TEENS BOOK LIST:

1. GOD'S PLAN FOR YOU DAVID HADJUK (TEXT BOOK)
2. PURE LOVE, PURE WOMANHOOD, PURE MANHOOD (SMALL BOOKS) BY JASON AND CRYSTALINA EVERT
3. REAL LOVE BY MARYBETH BONACCI (LOTS OF Q AND A ABOUT NITTY GRITTYS)
4. TOB FOR TEENS BY BRIAN BUTLER (TEXT BOOK)
5. TOB FOR BEGINNERS BY CHRISTOPHER WEST (HEAVIER)
6. BODY AND GIFT , PURITY OF HEAR, BY SAM TORODE

PAT'S TOB MOVIES:

1. SPIDERMAN SERIES (MANY SUPERHEROES ARE CELIBATE!)
2. BATMAN BEGINS (ALL ASPECTS OF MASCULINITY, FALLEN AND REDEEMED)
3. I AM LEGEND
4. GRAN TORINO (R)
5. CINDERELLA MAN (LIKE ROCKY)
6. GLADIATOR (R)
7. BRAVEHEART (R)
8. TRUMAN SHOW
9. MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (GUYS STILL LIKE IT, EVEN THO' OLDER WESTERN)
10. ROCKY #1 AND ROCKY BALBOA #6 (ROCKY CAN'T DO WHAT HE HAS TO DO WITHOUT HIS GIRL)

    [SR. HELENA WOULD ADD: "A BRONX TALE" (R) ABOUT TRUE MANHOOD & FATHERHOOD)]
    

GOOD NEWS IN THE FACE OF PORNOGRAPHY--PART 2

Porn is one of the most difficult addictions to overcome because not only is the body addicted to its own chemicals/hormones, but at times, no outside stimulus is needed, one has only to recall the pornographic images already stored in one's brain.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

Another reason porn is one of the most difficult addictions is the incredible, diabolical ease with which one gets started. You don't have to buy anything. It's not illegal. You don't have to be of age. You don't have to leave the house. It's portable if you do leave the house. It's available 24/7. And if you use a computer at all, you're going to see porn whether you want to or not. You WILL be solicited. And if you do SEEK porn in a moment of weakness, all you have to do is type four letters and hit enter. Done.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

With alcohol, you may or may not be an alcoholic. You'll find out if you start drinking. With porn, everyone is a pornaholic because everyone has a body, everyone is a sexual being. All it takes is ONE LOOK. One of the most basic human actions. Looking. Vision. Seeing. Since men are aroused visually, porn is much more addictive for them. However, WOMEN, too, are increasingly becoming addicted to porn, and this also needs to come out in the open, lest women think that THEIR porn addiction is worse, more "unforgiveable," less feminine somehow.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

Porn taps into the deepest, most fundamental longing of the human person: to be loved, body and soul. To be affirmed as man or woman, body and soul.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

Porn ruins the best gift God gave us: each other. The gift of woman to man and man to woman. Or, as JP2G says: woman FOR man and man FOR woman. What could be more diabolical? "Diabolical" means literally to "split," "divide."

IT'S NOT FAIR.

Porn addiction is a "new" way (because of its newfound availability and prevalence) for men to abandon their families.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

WHAT DO YOU DO IN SPORTS WHEN AN ATHLETE DOESN'T PLAY FAIR? YOU ELMINATE THEM. YOU DISQUALIFY THEM. IF YOU KNEW FROM THE START THIS PERSON WASN'T GOING TO PLAY FAIR, YOU'D NEVER EVEN LET THEM ON THE TEAM.
SO, WITH PORN (WHICH DOESN'T PLAY FAIR)--DON'T TAKE THE FIRST DRINK. JUST DON'T.

But how can we prevent that first, unsolicited drink that gets poured down our throats against our will when we're 10 years old?

It's not going to be easy.

Should we head for the hills and unplug and opt out of the media culture that we're all swimming in and depending on in so many ways? That's a decision that everyone has to make for themselves and their families. And is it even possible?

Fr. Benedict Groeschel, CFR, a psychologist has this profound (paraphrased) insight: Even though we may claim we believe in free will, we have been so brainwashed by popular psychology--Freudian and other deterministic schools of thought--that we don't really believe in the possibility of humans to change, and we hamstring ourselves from the get-go. Our willpower has been seriously undermined by ourselves. (I'm not saying that addicts can be healed by applying sheer willpower, but that addictions can be averted and thwarted, in part, by willpower, starting with the RECOGNITION of our willpower.)

If you opt to stay in the media culture and use computers, cable/dish TV, cell phones, etc., (all porn gateways) here are some action items. If they don't work, we need to rework them, because we'll lose the farm. We'll lose everything, as porn addicts are able to tell us firsthand.

--Pray. Live a sacramental life.
--Communicate your values about sexuality in an open, positive way with your children of all ages. Constantly.
--Be honest with your spouse about any and all sexual failings as they happen.
--Get help immediately for porn problems.
--Instruct yourself, your family and others in Theology of the Body.
--Instruct yourself, your familiy in Media Literacy and Media Mindfulness.
--Communicate about media with your children. Constantly.
--Get a serious porn blocker for your computer / TV.
--Have TVs and computers in public areas of your home. Have designated times for use.
--Train your children to use their willpower.
--Talk to your children about porn.
--Have your children report to you any porn that makes its way into your home.
--Consecrate yourselves to the Blessed Virgin Mary.
--Communicate constantly with your children about the true love that God wants for them and how to attain it.

Unfortunately, porn is a part of all of our lives now. (It's SO not fair.) Deal with it.

GOOD NEWS IN THE FACE OF PORNOGRAPHY

Pornography use is progressive, addictive, toxic and fatal (if not dealt with). Is there any hope? Plenty. But before listing resources, it's important to simply talk about what pornography IS--because that conversation just isn't happening in the Church (in any big way) beyond official Church documents and: "It's bad, stay away." And that's tragic, because bringing porn into the light is the ONLY thing that breaks its hold.

Actually, SEX hasn't been talked about in the Church (in any open way) beyond a kind of listing of "thou shalt nots." The devil is laughing up his sleeve at all this because while the porn industry is going mainstream, Christians are clinging to a puritanical and dangerous silence with regard to sex. Therefore, who gets to tell the young and not so young their story about the meaning of sex? Whoever isn't too shy to talk about it: Internet porn, Howard Stern, Playboy, "Sex and the City," "Gossip Girls," the Spice Channel, etc.

Enter John Paul II's "Theology of the Body." John Paul II talked about sex. A lot. About its beauty and goodness and desirability and centrality to our lives. He talked about how God invented sex, not as a forbidden fruit, but as an expression of our Godlike ability to give and receive love the way God loves: freely ("I do"), faithfully ("only you forever"), fully (total gift of self: body and soul), fruitfully (open to new life).

"Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it."

–John Paul II the Great

Since most porn users are men, we'll speak about it from the male side. Those lovely ladies don't really love you. They're being paid to act like they love you. (Drug use, STDs and suicide are high among porn stars because they are living a lie.) What about those porn stars who build their own empires and seem to suffer no consequences? Also a lie. They are living a radical body-soul split that will take its toll.

How do you know if you're addicted to porn? If you use it at all, you're addicted, because porn is addictive by nature. Porn is a multi-billion dollar business off of people's addictions.

Pornography is having sex with a fantasy. The porn user becomes addicted to their body's own chemicals. They become capable of being aroused ONLY by fantasy-images, and not their real-life, flesh-and-blood spouse. Therefore, porn emasculates.

Men lose interest in the real women around them, family, work, sports, hobbies, etc. The addiction becomes all-consuming. The addiction is also costly as bigger and more extreme thrills are needed. Porn addicts fear telling anyone because they fear losing everything: wife (whom they've rejected through porn), respect of family, friends, co-workers, church family. So, as angry as the revelation of a porn addiction may make us, if we make it too difficult for the addict to come clean, or too difficult when they do, everybody loses. God is bigger than addiction. God forgives those turning from addiction. God heals addiction.

Men who fight porn addiction in their lives are true heroes. They give the lie to a culture that says porn is normal and manly and harmless. As despicable as porn is, men willing to fight the battle against porn addiction need support and encouragement, like any other recovering addicts. Women need to applaud these men, who are strong in their weakness. "In weakness, power reaches perfection." Remember, these are the good guys, not the bad guys. These are the guys that don't want porn anymore and have risked everything to take a stand AGAINST porn (just as they risked everything FOR porn). These are men of incredible courage and character who are fulfilling their true vocation of upholding the dignity of women (and their own).

Shame and secrecy is the deadly combination that feeds the addiction. I once heard a priest say: "Why did Jesus call us 'children of the light'? Because we make our mistakes in the open." If we began openly acknowledging sex in a happy, healthy, reverent, non-graphic, non-trivializing, age-appropriate manner, the "naughty" factor that drives people to "forbidden pleasures" would be removed. Sex is the two-ton elephant in our Christian living rooms that nobody talks about because they don't seem to know what to say. The Theology of the Body is the answer.